by Fox Doucette
(This continues my series of writing columns in other writers’ styles. With rumors floating around that Mitt Romney will choose Florida Senator Marco Rubio as his running mate, I thought it’s high time for an article done in the political-satire style of The Onion.)
Trying to add some punch to his challenge to unseat President Barack Obama this November, presumptive Republican nominee Mitt Romney announced that his vice-presidential candidate will be Mexican middleweight boxer Marco Antonio Rubio, who in between fights has been serving as a US Senator from Florida. “El Veneno” appears poised to accept the nod, saying “I have always been drawn to the violence and barbarity of boxing, and there is no greater avenue for a love of violence and barbarity than American politics. I am glad that Governor Romney has given me this chance to apply the skills of the Sweet Science to the vice-presidential arena.”
Some questions as to Rubio’s eligibility linger. Wikipedia lists his age as 31 and his country of citizenship as Mexico, two facts that would make him ineligible for the vice-presidency under the US Constitution. In response, the Democratic National Committee agreed not to challenge Rubio’s eligibility; a spokesman speaking off the record said “We foisted a Kenyan/Indonesian expat on you guys for four years, and we’re not going through THAT again. Do you know how hard it was to bribe all of those Hawaiian officials to keep quiet? You wonder why America showed such a huge deficit over the past three years. Conspiracies are expensive. Let’s just agree to call it square, shall we?”
Rubio said he would take an active role in American foreign policy. Indeed, Mitt Romney’s recent comments that Russia is “America’s #1 geopolitical foe” may be an indication that his choice of Rubio as his VP may be a shot across the bow of the former bugbear of the Cold War. Indeed, Russian President Vladimir Putin has long wanted to step into the ring with an American political figure, but said through a translator that “you American political people are all such girly men. Old and feeble and grown fat on the corrupt bribes of your capitalist corporations. We are civilized people in Russia and do not beat up feeble old weaklings.” When someone mentioned Denis Lebedev, Putin said “I must break you” and punched the reporter in the face.
Arrangements are already underway to arrange a boxing match between Rubio and Putin should Romney win the election. The difficulty has been finding an acceptable venue. The Romney camp insists that the fight be held in Texas, but Putin scoffed at the notion, saying “even if I knock your vice president out they will still find a way to steal the victory from me.” Reports indicate that the fight would, at Putin’s insistence, be held in Moscow on Christmas Day, and that no matter what WBC dictator Jose Sulaiman may insist, Putin will become the mandatory challenger for Julio Cesar Chavez Jr.
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer, a staunch Republican and considered by many to be a Tea Party extremist, expressed her misgivings in a public statement. “Here I am, doing my level best to resurrect the goddamn Nuremberg Laws in my state, I’ve been fighting that Muslim Commie in Washington over it for years now, and here comes a Mexican who is going to be vice president. This is exactly the sort of thing we in Arizona have been trying to prevent; those stupid beaners coming into our country and taking jobs away from good honest Americans.” Before Brewer could continue, however, a member of her security detail came up, turned off the microphone, and shoved what appeared to be a horse tranquilizer into the governor’s mouth and forced her to swallow it. The Brewer administration’s spokesperson later issued a statement of apology to Marco Antonio Rubio, the nation of Mexico, The Boxing Tribune, and basic human decency.
Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper expressed his concerns as well. “It wasn’t enough for Rubio to beat up one of our most promising young fighters,” (referring to David Lemieux), “now you Americans have to go and make him vice president, eh? I’m having enough trouble dealing with Daniel Paillé and his Bloc Quebecois. We knocked them down to four seats in Parliament in the last election, the last thing they need is a rallying cry. It was better for Canada when you had George W. Bush in charge, I thought you Republicans were pro-Canadian.”
Meanwhile, on women’s rights, Mitt Romney said he would appoint Floyd Mayweather to the President’s Commission on Stopping Violence Against Women. A spokesman for the campaign said “Mr. Mayweather and his people assured us that Floyd is an expert on issues relating to domestic violence, and Mr. Rubio assured us that Mr. Mayweather has far more experience in domestic violence matters than he does, so we will take him at his word and allow him an active role in the decision-making process as we choose the people who will work with our administration.”
Stay tuned to The Boxing Tribune, as we will remain at the forefront of the intersection of boxing and politics. We have reported the news relating to Manny Pacquiao’s political woes in his native Philippines and we are excited to be able to send our reporters to political events closer to home.
Fox Doucette covers Friday Night Fights for The Boxing Tribune. His weekly column, The Southpaw, appears on Thursdays. He is of the mind that even the WBC is more honest than the American political system. Fan mail, hate mail, and news of Gale Van Hoy’s appointment to the Electoral College from Texas can be sent to email@example.com.
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