In 331 B.C., a 25-year-old Alexander the Great and his Macedonian army, while marching toward conflict with Darius III, King of Persia, take Egypt. The new Pharaoh, Alexander, establishes the city of Alexandria.
In 2012, a 25-year-old Devon Alexander has his first bout under the banner of Golden Boy Promotions. Alexander, much like Paulie Malignaggi before him, finds himself promoted miraculously to a lofty spot atop the welterweight rankings upon signing his Golden Boy deal.
King Darius III, fearing the might of Alexander’s legendary army, offers him a deal– Half of the Persian Empire and his daughter’s hand in exchange for peace. Alexander refuses the offer.
In February of 2012, Alexander beats Argentina’s Marcos Maidana via one-sided unanimous ten round decision. Looking sharp and well-schooled against the flat-footed brawler, Alexander’s win got him back on track after three straight tepid, timid, and uninspiring performances (vs. Andreas Kotelnik, Timothy Bradley, and Lucas Matthysse). St. Louis in the house!
Darius amasses his Great Army, 250,000 strong, to ambush Alexander’s Macedonian army of about 47,000 at the Euphrates River. Fearing a night attack, he orders his soldiers to be alert at all hours of the day and night. Instead, Alexander takes the long route, through the Tigris River, and emerges to engage a tired and impatient Persian army at the Battle of Gaugamela.
Is named mandatory challenger for Randall Bailey’s IBF welterweight title. After one postponement, the bout is scheduled for Golden Boy’s debut card at the new Barclays Center in Brooklyn. Ticketmaster is not flooded with a wave of frantic ticket orders.
Using defensive strategy, Alexander draws Darius’ troops into a clumsy attack that allows his army to divide the Persian army into more manageable factions.
Using defensive strategy, Alexander throws punches at air, grunts, and runs for the full twelve rounds against a 38-year-old Bailey who simply can’t pursue and, seemingly, isn’t interested in doing so. In the most action-packed round of the fight, Alexander and Bailey combine to land 20 punches in the fifth.
After a long battle, Alexander’s Macedonian army defeats the Persian force and King Darius escapes, hoping to flee to the north and assemble another army for a future attack on Alexander. However, Darius is killed by one of his own generals, officially ending the conflict and surrendering the entire Persian Empire to Alexander.
Amid a chorus of boos, Alexander is awarded the IBF welterweight belt. Combined, both fighters landed a total of 165 punches– a feeble 13.75 per round. By contrast, Brandon Rios, alone, landed 161 punches in his seven round TKO of Mike Alvarado the previous week.
Alexander the Great is named King of Persia and then King of Asia, eventually pushing further east to India before turning back at the request of his beleaguered and battle-weary troops. Alexander would never be defeated in battle, establishing an empire that stretched from the Adriatic Sea in the west to the Hindu Kush mountains in Pakistan to the east before his death at the age of 33.
Alexander is now set to face the UK’s Kell Brook in a mandatory title defense. After being one-half of the most dismal and dreary welterweight title clash in recent memory, the question is whether anyone, anywhere would be willing to watch Alexander fight again. Unless he promises to do something truly memorable– like fight a bear or chug rubbing alcohol between rounds– the answer is probably a great big, “Hell No.”
You can email Paul at firstname.lastname@example.org or watch as he ponders the absolute inhumanity that would be Devon Alexander vs. Paulie Malignaggi. Paul is a full member of the Burger King Kids’ Club, a born iconoclast, and an ordained minister in the Universal Life Church.