Hola friends and welcome to Chengdu’s number one source for all bird flu-related humor and Renminbi to dollar conversion jokes. We are that corner piece that you always stub your toe on in the middle of the night…We are that expression “the apple of your eye” only our “apple” is filled with razor blades circa 1980s Halloween. Today we’re going to tell you round-for-round how the Floyd Mayweather and Marcos Maidana mega-fight is going to play out. All that PLUS Walking Dead Talk! So grab your popcorn, your crossbow and load up on Seco (Panama’s disgusting traditional national liquor), we’re about to start the show. With that being said, I gave you your instructions in the dressing room, what I say you must obey – Cuidate, escucha me, toca los manos y buena suerte…Let’s get it on!
Mayweather Versus Maidana – MAY 3rd 2014
Round One –
“El Chino” is at his most volatile in the early going and will be looking to repeat the successes he had with Adrien ”The Artist Formerly Known As The Problem” Broner from his previous bout. The defending 10-time world champion begins fast, but cautious. Floyd lands several of his patented low straight left hands to the body to prevent the inbound attack of Marcos Maidana. Mayweather’s father warns him to keep calm and stay sharp. “Money” rather easily avoids the wild yet decently timed incoming attacks from the Argentine.
Round Two –
Trainer Robert Garcia urges his charge on in Spanish to take more risks and to not be intimidated by Floyd’s counter punches. Meanwhile, all is silent and seemingly relaxed in Floyd’s corner except for his father telling his son to just “Do what we do”. The second frame begins with a wild swing and a miss from Maidana which was anticipated by Mayweather and ended in a hard right handed counter to the bridge of his nose resulting in a non-fight-threatening, but rather bloody gash. Sensing the kill, Floyd Mayweather carefully closes the gap to attempt a TKO stoppage, but Maidana is much too fresh and manages to hold on to avoid further punishment.
Round Three –
A slightly more desperate-to-make-an-impact Marcos Maidana comes out much faster for the third round (perhaps feeling desperate due to the cut) and seemly surprises the 5-division champion by catching him with a hard overhand right on the top of the head nearly resulting in a knockdown. The veteran in Mayweather grabs the arm of Maidana and survives the attempted follow-up barrage. Never fully able to recover properly due to the nonstop aggression from “El Chino” most ringside observers gave that round to the Argentine.
Round Four –
The corner of Mayweather is still seemingly focused and relaxed – only now the cold compress is being administered along with copious amounts of Vaseline from veteran cut man Rafael Garcia. As the fourth frame begins an extremely hungry-looking Maidana is able to push back the pot-shotting champion against the ropes, doing damage to the 37 year-old’s body. The Las Vegas resident is able to register some of his own hard pull counter shots but it doesn’t seem enough to stem the tide of the young WBA champion’s onslaught.
Round Five –
It is a strong possibility that Floyd Mayweather may have been looking past his Argentinean opponent. This round it seems that nearly every basic mistake former champion Adrien Broner made against Maidana, Floyd was repeating. At 1:15 another overhand right caught Floyd right on the temple and for the first official time in his illustrious career, Mayweather hit the deck. After wisely opting to take a knee and getting up on the count of 8, Floyd genuinely looked to be in some trouble. Garcia’s charge would not let up with the pressure and forced “Money Mayweather” to the canvas through a half-push/half-punch to the back of the head. The result was officially ruled a knockdown. Floyd managed to pull himself together and survive the round.
Round Six –
Now on visibly unsteady legs, Floyd Mayweather refuses to engage his rejuvenated opponent, instead attempting to lure Maidana into harsh counters. With some assistance in Spanish from his corner, Chino Maidana didn’t take the bait and instead set himself up for a shockingly impressive counter punch of his own against the turnbuckle, this time Floyd did not beat referee Kenny Bayless’ 10 count. The stoppage was very reminiscent of Mayweather’s 2007 pre-stoppage of Ricky Hatton.
Marcos Maidana KO 6
In other fake news, WBO welterweight champion, Timothy Bradley told HBO’s Max Kellerman that after reviewing the tape (Pacquiao-Bradley 1) he believed he won 8 of the 12 rounds. Of course this did not come without several snickers and a few giggles from former rap superstar Kellerman and current karaoke kingpin Manny Pacquiao…
Please email me any questions at JESSEBOXINGTRIBUNE@GMAIL.COM or pretend we’re friends on Twitter @JESSEBOXING. My Youtube page is up there somewhere, too.
Thank you for joining us again this week, team. We’ll be back with some more dangling participles, sentence fragments and improperly formulated sentences next week. Don’t forget about The Walking Dead tonight! Is Glen and Maggie be together forever? Is that scientist with the mullet really that smart? What the hell is really going on at Terminus?? How long is it going to take Darryl to kill those rednecks with their bait house? Just look at the flowers…Santé