By Alphonso Costello™
Want to know what it feels like to break a story? Write on-the-sly press releases masked as accommodating puff pieces? Uncover facts that are easily attainable anywhere on the internet?
Then you came to the right place. Follow my guide on How to Become An Investigative Boxing Reporter and you will become a star boxing journalist in no time.
TOOLS YOU’LL NEED TO LOOK THE PART
You will need to purchase some must-have items if you want your career as an investigative reporter to last longer than a Charlie Runkel fap session. So before we dive into this Sh-t List Makers Association of America approved guide, we must go over the handy-dandy items you’ll need out in the trenches or behind your keyboard.
1.) Buy a fedora.
Every old-timey boxing writer wore one and all the old TV detectives did too. You will also get major bonus points for looking so cool.
2.) Reading glasses.
In addition, to your super-cool trendy fedora, you will need to purchase some black-framed reading glasses. Even if you have 20/20 vision, you will need to buy some anyway. You can’t go wrong looking cool and smart. It will let everyone know you are not one to mess with. Nothing will get past the sexy-cool likes of you.
KNOWLEDGE IS POWER
1.) Get yourself educated by going to school or take an online-journalism course.
No you don’t need a degree to become an investigative reporter, but being able to say you went to journalism school gives you instant creditability.
If you decide to attend a journalism class make sure you stay for at least a couple of minutes. When those two minutes are up you will be able to say you got yourself an education. Now if that takes too much of your time, sign-up for a free online seminar. Signing-up is more than enough to say you are schooled at all things journalism.
Once you’re book smart it’s time for you to become ring smart. Go to your local boxing gym and take boxing lessons. Knowing the intricacies of the sweet science don’t mean shit. Learning to box makes you look like a badass. Learning the know how’s on throwing a punch and breathing at the same time will totally pay off as you embark on your journey as an intrepid investigative reporter.
2.) Ask questions, it’s your job.
It doesn’t matter what you ask and quite frankly it doesn’t matter what your interview subject says. You have to filter out all the BS by observing non-verbal cues. Read into your interview subject’s body language and tone of voice. Turn a non-story into a full-blown drama. Remember if you don’t get the answers you want, you could always turn the non-answers into some manufactured drama about how your interview subject raised his eyebrow and made you piss your skinny jeans in front of his 20-man entourage.
And never allow anyone to question your integrity, creditability or work. Remember, you and only you can ask the questions around here. And if some assclown pisses you off in any shape, way or form, lay the smackdown on him, either on Twitter or in real life. Challenge any and all chumps to sparring matches down at your local gym. Use your boxing skills to keep punkasses in check. Remember sticks and stones may break your bones, but internet words really, really hurt too.
3.) Read, read, read. Not because reading makes you a better writer and more knowledgeable, but because you have a limitless amount of material at your disposal.
USE YOUR WRITING AS A MARKETING TOOL
1.) Create a Twitter account.
Tweet regularly and tweet often. Let the world know how intelligent and witty you are 160 characters at a time. #hardwork #dedication
2.) Take professional photos for your About Me page and Twitter/Facebook accounts.
You will gain the trust of readers by providing a sweet ass picture of your pretty little self. Plus, it may lead to side gigs like acting and adult escort services.
3.) Become a person with knowledge of the situation.
Being in the know is very important. Even if you aren’t in the know, fake it. Make shit up and see what sticks. Befriending people with shady backgrounds is a must and it will put you on the fast track to being a boxing INSIDER! You will have an unlimited supply of sources to anonymously quote in your investigative reports.
4.) Market and protect your investment by writing about yourself.
Always find a way to inject yourself into your stories. Remember you are the star, you are the brand name. So don’t feel shy writing stories in which you uncover nothing.
Don’t worry about having nothing to write about. You can write an entire story by just asking rhetorical questions. Of course you don’t have the answers to them, but it doesn’t matter because your readers probably have a third grade education at best. Don’t forget, talk down to your readers because you automatically know more than them. You are the one writing what they are reading. That makes you automatically better than them.
So there you have it. Follow these simple steps and you will be well on your way to becoming a divalicious boxing investigative reporter.
Alphonso Costello™ is a member of The Sh-it List Makers Association of America (SMAA). You could also find his work at www.FightClubWriter.com and check your local listings for his award winning CB radio talk show Leaving-It-In-The-Crapper.
Send comments to theshitlist@fightclubwriter.