By Alphonso Costello™
It’s Election Day here in the good old United States of America and as the official unofficial Boxing Tribune historian it is my duty to present to you the lamest attempt to connect the sport of boxing to US politics.
Trying something different just to be different isn’t always a good idea, but I will try my hand at exposing you to some unknown fighters that were very good at losing while giving you a history lesson on some of the men that royally screwed up the most powerful nation in the world.
Politics and boxing are similar as they are both filled with corrupt and disingenuous slime balls looking to make a quick buck at the public’s expense.
The following list is a time-waster meant to distract you from all the election returns and sissy-Mary tweets between Floyd Mayweather and 50 Cent.
So without further adieu here is your red, white and blue Sh-t List.
10. Zachary Taylor (1849-1850) and Bad News Taylor (1921-1930, 10-35-7, 3 KOs)
The 12th president was known as “Old Rough and Ready” due to his run-down appearance and had the political savvy of a senile hound dog. His short-lived presidency is best known for supporting slavery and opposing the Compromise of 1850. 16-months after his inauguration Taylor said ‘No Mas’ and met his ultimate demise after battling a terrible bout of diarrhea.
Bad News Taylor also known as “Slambang” was a welterweight tomato can that fought the likes of Midget Mike O’Dowd (6 times), Battling Gizzy (twice) and Frankie Buff. Mr. Bad News is so obscure he doesn’t have a BoxRec biography.
9. Hebert Hoover (1929-1933) and Tommy Hoover (1935-1942, 13-21-3, 4 KOs)
You can describe Hebert Hoover’s presidency by three simple words “The Great Depression.” The 31st president was ushered into the White House amidst much fanfare and was booted out just four years later after fueling the worst economic disaster in the country’s history. The homeless thanked Hoover for his public service by naming their shantytowns “Hoovervilles.”
Tommy Hoover’s career lasted longer than Hebert Hoover’s presidency, but his success was on par with his namesake’s. Hailing from Washington, D.C. and fighting in the lightweight division, Tommy was probably a starving heavyweight when he took up the sweet science to support his family.
8. John Tyler (1841-1845) and Kid Tyler (1902-1912, 8-12-3, 6 KOs)
Thanks to the untimely death of William Harrison, John Tyler became the first vice president to assume the presidency. He also holds a record that would put Evander Holyfield to shame. Tyler fathered a whopping 15 children, more than any other president.
During Kid Tyler’s hey day the Chicago Cubs won two World Series championships. 100 years have passed and the Cubs are still waiting for their next championship. What does this have to do with politics or boxing? Absolutely nothing.
7. Millard Fillmore (1850-1853) and Kid Fillmore (1931, 0-1)
The following combo are obscure as obscure can get. Many of you are asking who the hell is Millard Fillmore. Well he was the 13th President of the United States and was just the second president to rise by succession from the vice presidency.
Kid Fillmore fought once, losing to James Bethea by knockout.
6. Franklin Pierce (1853-1857) and Sailor Bobby Pierce (1922-1930, 9-27-8, 7 KOs)
Franklin Pierce was the Bob Arum of the pre-Civil War era by allowing the impending clash between the Northern and Southern states to marinate a bit. His decision to add more slave states to the union was a straight up douchebag move.
Sailor Bobby was a west coast welterweight who once boasted an 11-fight losing streak.
5. Andrew Johnson (1865-1869) and Keheven Johnson (1983-1997, 24-71-5, 4 KOs)
Andrew Johnson had a huge top-hat to fill after the assassination of Abraham Lincoln. The Civil War was over and the country now faced a difficult road ahead. However, Johnson?s racist agenda hampered the country’s Reconstruction efforts. Johnson was the first president to be impeached by the House of Representatives, and he survived the kind of razor thin decisions you see in Vegas when The Senate failed to remove him from office by a single vote.
Keheven Johnson’s 71 losses is an impressive statistic. He lost to club fighting warriors such as David Robinson (26-65-4), Harold Brazier (105-18-1) and the legendary Buck Smith (179-20-2).
4. Warren G. Harding (1921-1923) and Jack Harding (1946-1949, 8-17, 5 KOs)
Warren G. is recognized by historians as the most corrupt president in history. His presidency is best known for the Teapot Dome scandal in which members of his administration were convicted of accepting bribes from the oil companies. However, the scandal unfolded long after he kicked the bucket just two years into his first term.
I couldn’t find another Harding to match Warren G’s corrupt ways but Jack Harding from Crewe, Cheshire will have to do. Eleven of Mr. Harding’s 17 losses came by way of knockout.
3. Richard Nixon (1969-1974) and Buddy Nixon (1974-1982, 19-54-8, 9 KOs)
Tricky Dick is the only president to resign from office and his presidency had a major influence on future presidential administrations. Tricky Dick groomed the likes of Dick Cheney (Vice President 2001-2009) and Donald Rumsfield (Secretary of Defense 2001-2006) while in the White House and we all suffered because of it.
Buddy Nixon suffered a staggering 28 knockout losses and has to live with the displeasure of sharing a surname with a crook.
2. James Buchanan (1857-1861) and Billy Buchanan (1928-1938, 59-77-37, 8 KOs)
The 15th president did nothing while the United States was on the brink of a Civil War, but he shouldn’t just be remembered for that royal screw up. He should be recognized as a trailblazer much like featherweight contender Orlando Cruz. You see Buchanan was a lifelong bachelor and is still to this very day the only president to never have married. However, many historians theorize that Buchanan may be the first homosexual president.
Billy Buchanan was a work horse, fighting 173 times in just a 10-year span. He worked hard for the money.
1. George W. Bush (2001-2009) and George Bush (1921-1929, 3-23, 2 KOs)
One word sums up the presidency of George W. Bush: Failure. Bush stole the election in screw job fashion from Al Gore in 2000 and went on to win re-election in controversial fashion in 2004. During his watch he compiled a list of fuck ups longer than the Mayweather’s rap sheet combined. September 11, The illegal occupation of Iraq, Hurricane Katrina, the housing bubble and the “Great Recession” all happened under his watch.
The name Bush is synonymous with loser. George Bush, the pugilist, made a living eating leather. Too bad he didn’t have a Daddy Dearest and Brother Jeb to help him pull out some screw jobs victories during the Roaring 20’s.
Alphonso Costello™ is a member of The Sh-it List Makers Association of America (SMAA). You could also find his work at www.FightClubWriter.com
Send comments to theshitlist@fightclubwriter.